Elderly banking
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86
year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have
it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for
bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last
month. By my calculations, three nano seconds must have elapsed
between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the
funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic
monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit,
has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for
seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my
account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your
bank.
My thankfulness springs from the
manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally
answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I
am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless
entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only
to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will
therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at
your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an
employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under
the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please
find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen
employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order
that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or
her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I
will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in
dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits
but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses
required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank
service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even
further. When you call me, press buttons as follows: IMMEDIATELY
AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH.
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living
room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom
in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet
in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile
phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer,
a password to access my computer is required. Password will be
communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact
mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to
listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or
inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention
of my automated answering service.
. This is a second reminder to
press * for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve
a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the
call.
Regrettably, but again following your
example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up
of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly
less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
And remember: Don’t make old people
mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take
much to piss us off.
